The Best Kept Parenting Secret

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When you become pregnant for the first time, you are told over and over again about the difficulties to come. You are told of sleepless night and sore nipples. The end of your sex life and no more quality “me time.”

Then your angel is born and you become plagued with tales of teething, sleep regression, the terrible twos, talking back, distant teenagers. In fact its a wonder any of us made it through the stormy seas in to this journey we call parenthood. But I for one am so happy I did.

Because I have discovered something else. Something the many horror stories missed out, the documentaries failed to warn me, something that no book prepared me for…

Rather than becoming someone to battle with daily and to cause me stress and anguish, my toddler has in fact become one of my most treasured friends. He is the most incredible companion, kind, sharing, fun, inspirational and believe it or not, interesting too.

They warned me I would have to give up “me time” – They didn’t say it would be replaced with the most hilarious company I could imagine!

And so, I began to wonder “Why is this such a secret? Why is the best part of parenting left out of every tale?”

And then it dawned on me… Perhaps the reason that no one tells you this, is because it isn’t the case for everyone. And that made me so sad, because Yes my son is wonderful and great company and I am so lucky to have him, but so is yours. So is every other child born into this world.

Our relationships with our children can so often be sacrificed by our need to police and manage behaviour, rather than focusing on our connection to each other.

But in focusing on that very connection by allowing ourselves to bask in the relationship and really enjoy our children, the very things you were trying to manage and control will no longer be an issue. A child is much more likely to comply out of love than fear. Especially when they can see that what you are asking is important and necessary rather that an attempt to control them and interfere with their explorations.

The relationship I have with my son is so much more amazing than I could ever have dreamed of. Through his eyes the world is magical and everyone we see is a friend he has yet to make. Letting go and allowing myself to be a part of that experience has led me to discover this wonderful secret, this incredible little person. So join me in letting go, and discover the wonderful friend you have been missing out on!

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How To Live Each Day As If It Were Your Last – Without Burning Out!

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Seize the day! This saying conjures up images of days filled with base jumping, sky diving before rounding it all off with some white water rafting. While these are things that might be fun to try, I imagine you would be exhausted after a few days and ready to curl up on the sofa with a cup of tea.

Living each day as if it were your last is not something reserved for adrenaline junkies, its something we all can do and in doing so, happiness will not be something you strive for, but something that radiates from you. Here are my tips on how to live for the moment and really get the most out of this life we have been given –

  • Be kind. It may seem too simple but this is my number one tip. Be kind to yourself, forgive yourself for making mistakes and look after your body and your mind, by filling it with healthy fuel. Be kind to others and really do treat them as you would like to be treated. Don’t ever leave a situation or argument unresolved and surrounded with tension. Imagine each time you walk away from someone it is the last time you will ever see them. Life is unpredictable and it just might be.
  • Say YES! Yes is the word of opportunity. Say yes to things you never thought of, or even wanted to try. You might just love it and even if you don’t, its very unlikely you will regret the experience. Saying yes leads you into situations you may never have arrived at. You will meet more people and encounter more opportunities. Life will cease to be a predictable routine, and adventure will fill the spaces. So say YES a bit more and give new things a try.
  • Do something you love every day. If it were your last day on earth you might have a whole lot of things you would want to cram in, but think about what is really special to you in this world. It could be spending time with your family, creating art or music, reading a great book, surfing, watching the sunset with a flask of tea and your best friend. Whatever it is that makes you happy, make time for it. Even just 20 minutes to let go of schedules and deadlines and just BE in that moment.
  • Live simply. We are drowning in things. Everywhere you look there is something new popping up that we MUST have. What an incredible strain that puts on us to work more, to earn more, to keep consuming and wanting, never satisfied. If we let it, this could go on our whole lives. Its easy to think that once the house is decorated, the car is bought, we have the biggest tv and the most up to date phone we will have it all. We will sit back and look at our things and then we will be fulfilled. But it doesn’t work that way. Because while you were hammering down your new wooden floors, carpet came back in to fashion. Your ipad is now soooo outdated, your car is starting to look a bit worn. So it starts all over again. I say, get out now and don’t look back. What do you really need? Somewhere warm to sleep, fresh air, books and music. Healthy food. Family and friends, a few changes of clothes. Added to that, things which aid your own hobbies and spark your passions. Everything else is just filler. Don’t fall in to a trap you cant get out of. When you let it all go, it all becomes clear.
  • Let go. Of bad relationships, of unnecessary stress, of overwhelming commitments, of anything that saps your energy and happiness. Delegate where possible and know your limits. In contrast to the earlier point to SAY YES, learn to say no too. Say no to things you really don’t want to do. Say no to people who take advantage of your time and your resources. Say no when you know you will have to turn down something you would much prefer to be doing to commit to this thing instead. Say goodbye to friends who don’t support you in your dreams. Let go of a job which makes you miserable. Which leads me to my final point.
  • Find your passion! We all have to go to a job we hate to be able to afford to do the things we love, right? Well what if your job was the thing you really loved? What if you woke up in the morning excited about how you were going to spend your day. We all have a passion. For some people this may be buried deep inside, long forgotten and only you can uncover it. Once you do, HOLD ON TO IT AND NEVER LET GO. Find a way of making a living from it and ignore the people who call you crazy. It may take time, you may want to keep a foothold in your current career while you get started, and it will take hard work, bravery and dedication. But when you get there, life will never be the same again.

A Mother-Son Ritual

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The day has been long. The house is a mess and my toddler has found a new game which involves screaming at the top of his voice, whilst throwing piece after piece of my neatly folder laundry around the room. I have had enough and am ready to crawl under the duvet and wait for my husband to come home and restore the peace. But I don’t.

The rain is coming down but that won’t deter me. I pull out my coat, dress my son in his all in one puddle suit and wellies and throw open the door. He takes my hand and we cross the busy road, following the same route as always, without a word. We look at each other and smile as we open the big iron gate and make our way through the trees. In to the open field now and the tension and stress of the day are already fading fast. We speed up, still holding hands and he points out an aeroplane passing by, a dog having a run on the field. Through the next gate and the big muddy puddle. We splash and jump, laughing and enjoying each other. We spot the moon, already visible and take a few moments to stop and look at the changing sky. Then feeling refreshed we head for the trees, stopping to pick up an interesting stick, to feel the bark and point out a busy ant still working, his day is not yet done.

He drops my hand and squats to the grass, feeling the damp blades with his fingertips and running his hands over the surface. I continue walking, breathing in deep and enjoying the exercise. He is happy. He knows he is safe. I stop to watch him and he looks up smiling. He stands and comes towards me with as much speed as he can muster. I catch him before his legs get away from him and swing him in the air. We laugh as we taste the raindrops still falling.

This has become a ritual for my son and I. Outside with the birds singing and the trees blowing in the wind, or with the warm sun shining down on us, or the rain pouring in fat refreshing drops, we can just be. There is no stress and no worry. There are no barriers to our joy. It puts us back in tune with each other and wipes the slate clean. On those days when it all seems too much, it can be hard to summon the energy to get up and out. But try to search deep, because it might be just what you both need!

A Variety Of Ways To Co-sleep With Your Baby

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I hear of so many parents who are co sleeping unhappily. They are unable to relax with a baby in their bed and getting very little sleep. Perhaps the baby is fidgeting and waking them up all night long or maybe they are just having a hard time adjusting to having three in a bed. But they soldier on, thinking that this is what their baby needs. Often, you will all find a pattern, you will learn to sleep in close proximity to each other and bliss will return to your nights. Many times a bout of sickness, eczema or teething will be the cause of restlessness and once it is over peaceful sleep can resume.

But what if it doesn’t get better? Should you continue on unhappily?

There are many ways to co sleep with your baby and it is worth experimenting with a few until you find a way that works for the whole family. Here are a few options that might work for you -

Side car - This option allows for easy night feeding but provides a bit more space for everyone. A cot is attached to your bed with one side removed so that your mattresses are flush and you can roll over to baby or she can roll over to you. For some people the idea of the extra space is all that it takes to have a better nights sleep, even if it doesn’t end up getting used and you sleep cuddled up instead! It also means that you can feed laying down, so you wont have to get out of bed and try and resettle your little one by putting them down after every feed. It is also a good starting point for those who are wanting to start transitioning their child in to their own bed.

Hammock – There is a huge range of baby hammocks on the market. These can be set up right next to your bed or even above it and provide a soothing motion which can settle baby back to sleep when they begin to fidget and move. Hammocks are also wonderful for relieving the discomfort of reflux, as they enable baby’s head to be inclined slightly.

Floor mattress – Either as a family bed or just for baby, this idea stems from the Montessori method. It is a safe place for your baby to sleep and enables independence and exploration. Babies are not restricted and have the freedom to explore the whole room (which should obviously be made safe for such explorations). It also means that as they learn to crawl, children can be in control of their sleep habits, simply climbing on to the mattress when they need to rest. I would like to add, this doesn’t work for all children. Many (my son included!) will still need a loving person to help settle them to sleep with a cuddle, a feed or their own preferred method.

Cot – Kept close to your bed so you can respond quickly to their needs, this may be the answer for your family.

The definition of co sleeping is when your baby sleeps in close proximity to you. All of the above are variations on how to do it. Bed sharing, where your baby sleeps in your bed, is what most people think of when they picture co sleeping, and although it is a lovely way to sleep and has benefits such as stimulating milk, ease of breastfeeding, the ability to meet your baby’s needs while continuing to get your own rest, regulating your babies temperature and stimulating their breathing, leading to a safer nights sleep – among many other benefits – if it doesn’t work for your family, it doesn’t mean you cant continue to co sleep in other ways.

The benefits of co sleeping are endless. You will be able to meet your baby’s needs more quickly than if they were in their own room, bolstering their feelings of security and in the long term this will lead to a healthy attitude to sleep. In meeting their needs and teaching your child that you will always be there for them, you will give your child the confidence to test their independence in later years, secure in the knowledge that you will always be around. The bonding that comes from the whole family bedding down together is something really quite special, and gives everyone the opportunity to reconnect after a long day. This can be particularly beneficial to working parents who can rekindle their nursing relationship and use this time to just enjoy being together.

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Top 3 Tips For Camping With A Toddler

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We recently had our first experience camping so I decided to share my top three tips for a successful camping trip with a toddler.

1.  Try to time your arrival so that your little one is having their nap while you assemble the tent. We didn’t manage this but I had packed a lovely ripe pear (his favourite!) for him to munch from his car seat while we worked on the tent. This kept him happy and content and once the bulk of the tent was up he could get out and help hammer in the pegs and explore his new surroundings.

2.  Most toddlers are creatures of habit and will often become unsettled in new environments, especially if they are tired. Take along familiar items and keep the routine as similar as possible to normal. I bought along my sons favourite bedtime story and got him ready in the same routine as usual and he cheered right up and made himself at home.

3.  Sleeping arrangements. The nights can get pretty cold when camping in England and little ones cant regulate their temperature as adults can. The best option for enabling you to keep them warm and to monitor their temperature is to have them sleep next to you, or even better, between mum and dad if possible. This way there is warmth coming from either side.

Do you have any more tips for camping with toddlers?

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How Raw Foods Helped Me Kick My Sugar Addiction

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You may remember this post from a while ago. I wanted to give you an update on how things have been going.

Well after I wrote this, somehow sugar began to slowly creep back in to my diet until I was right back where I started again. I was finding it so difficult to feel satisfied and full without a regular dose of cake or chocolate and nothing else seemed to hit the spot. I am breastfeeding a toddler and my appetite is huge but what I was craving was sweet food and nothing else would do.

The turning point came when I read an article on raw food diets. It lead me to Ka Sundance at the raw food family and after watching some of his videos on you tube I realised the mistake I had been making. The raw food diet is a diet of abundance, not restriction. I had been eliminating sugary foods but not replacing them with enough of the good stuff (going against my own advice!). Although I haven’t switched to a raw food diet, the simple act of increasing my consumption of these foods has had such a balancing affect on me. In fact, I wasn’t even thinking about cutting out sugar at this point, I had given in to it to be honest. I was simply interested in the natural way we humans are designed to eat.

What I discovered is that our closest relatives – the chimpanzees and gorillas have a diet based around fruits, greens and the occasional insect. I was amazed to see films of people who had been not only surviving on fruits and veg alone, but THRIVING. This film shows a woman absolutely radiant with health after being on a raw food diet for 7 years. She is not emaciated and sick but healthy and glowing. (She starts talking about her food choices 7 minutes in).

It was enough to really get me thinking. My relationship with food has been odd for many years. In my teens after some emotional occourings, I put myself on a very restrictive diet of very low calories. I got thin and ill and luckily I was able to pull myself out of it before it got too out of control. But since then I have gone almost the opposite way, allowing myself to eat as much as I like and usually much more than I really needed. My diet was filled with healthy foods but substituted with vast amounts of sugary junk too. I often get panicky if I feel hungry, triggering those old memories of my dieting and this causes me to make rash food choices and eat more than is necessary.

It was realising the very obvious fact that I wont suddenly keel over from hunger – you may laugh but food issues run deep! – on realising that animals far bigger than me survive on fruits and foliage alone that helped me work through these issues.

The only real change I made was to eat a lot more raw foods. But this has had a whirlwind effect. After a few days of it I realised I hadn’t even thought about cake. I was eating regularly as usual but making healthy choices. I eat about every 2 hours through the day, (as I have for a long time) and have been feeling completely satisfied. Not only that but I have stopped needing to eat right before bedtime too. This feels great, it is not good to go to bed on a full stomach – your body is trying to shut down for the night but you have just filled it with more stuff to digest. For as long as I can remember I have needed a midnight snack but without any conscious decision not to, I just haven’t needed it.

And the best bit is that I haven’t given up sweet things either. I have discovered a great snack bar which is full of seeds, nuts and cereal and is deliciously (and naturally) sweet. Where before I would have eaten three in a row, now I have one every few days if I feel like it. My food has been tasting fresher, I have been enjoying simple fresh fruit and I feel healthy! Simple treats like organic peanut butter or a bowl of granola are enough to curb my sweet tooth and I need much less of these foods than I used to.

I mentioned in my other post that restrictive diets are not sustainable and I stick by that. I have made no rules for myself about sugar and I am sure I will eat it again occasionally. But I hope I wont get sucked into dependency on it again. The best piece of advice I have picked up from Ka Sundance is that you don’t have to be on a 100% raw food diet, you just have to be sure in your heart that what you are eating is the best possible food for you. It helps to think of this when making your food choices and after a very short time, it really does become second nature. So I am going to fill a bowl with spinach, avocado and sunflower seeds, my current favourite snack. What will you be snacking on today?

A little disclaimer – I am not affiliated with any of the people I have linked in this article, just passing on some useful resources.

Am I Babying My Child?

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Parents who practice attachment parenting are often accused of babying their child. They get told that they are pandering to them if they breastfeed past a certain age, they are being manipulated if “that child is still in your bed!?” and that their children will never “cut the apron strings.” But what really is babying?

The problem is that so many people confuse unrestricted love with babying. They believe that as a child gets older, the love they receive should be less tangible, less physical. Why should the love you give your child dilute down over the years until you reach mutual apathy (or even hatred) in their teen years, longing for the day they move out and you can have your home back again?

Babying is something quite different from the simple act of meeting your child’s needs. Babying is feeding your child when they want to feed themselves. It is helicopter parenting, and not giving your child the space to explore their world. It is stopping a child from doing what he wants to do and is capable of doing, to prevent him from unleashing his independence in order to keep him reliant on you.

It is not consistently having open arms for your child whenever and wherever they need you.

It is not continuing to feed them the most nutritional and comforting food they can possibly have.

It is not being understanding, loving and respectful of their needs.

It is not being unconditional and unrestricted in the love you show your child.

To “baby” is to hold your child back from what they need to do. To love and to meet their needs is to be a supportive presence in their lives as they stand on their own two feet.

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