Some people gasp in shock when they hear that at two and a half years old, not only have my son and I never spent a night apart, but he is still not even in his own bed. Even more shockingly, they discover that it is not an ongoing battle between the three of us, but a conscious choice. We don’t even have a bed in the room we call his “bedroom.” We haven’t tried and “given in,” we are simply happy with the way things are.

So why have we chosen this unconventional path? The reasons are numerous.

When we first began co-sleeping, we talked frequently about when we should stop. It was a big source of stress: thinking about it, trying to keep in control of the situation. When he reached one year old, an age we had had in the back of our minds to move him to his own bed (though still in our room) we realised that none of us were ready. Things were going fine, we were all settled and happy and when we really thought about our reasons for kicking him out, it really came down to one simple point :

Because society demands it.

The final push for me was realising that I had my husband’s full support in continuing as we were. Knowing that there was no way I was going to climb out of bed numerous times a night to attend to our son, he could foresee his nights becoming very disturbed as he was roped in to helping with the night time duties.

As far as we could see, there was entirely no benefit to moving him, and a huge list of reasons not to do it, such as less sleep for all of us, missing him immeasurably, and perhaps most importantly, letting go of the incredible connection and bond we had forged from sleeping together as a family. From that moment we let go of trying to be in control, and simply enjoyed the present. We knew he wouldn’t want to stay in our bed forever, and that one day he would feel ready to move in to his own space.

It is a child’s job to fly the nest, not the mother’s responsibility to push him.

In Japan, co-sleeping is the norm and children will often sleep with a parent up until their teens. Rather than being psychologically damaging or holding them back, the security and connection co-sleeping brings with it, actually enables children to feel more confident in themselves. It is not unusual for these children to display what typical westerners may consider a very surprising amount of independence in their daily tasks.

Bed-sharing is how the majority of families in the world sleep, and from trying it myself, I can easily understand why.

So when people ask in shock, horror and occasionally disgust why we haven’t moved him out of our room, or even our bed, I simply reply with a smile:

“Because we are happy as things are.”

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Did you choose to co-sleep with your child? How do you feel it affected your connection as a family?

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In celebration of this I have decided to give away two paperback copies to two of my readers!

Enter here to be in with a chance of winning one of two copies of Trust Me, I’m A Toddler -

http://rafl.es/10DvvT1

To be entered in to the draw, simply follow the blog at the foot of this page, then like the facebook page via the link above and follow the instructions to enter! Easy!

Trust Me, I’m a Toddler is a guide to anyone who wants to parent gently and peacefully through the toddler stage, creating lasting respect and acceptance within their families. It provides practical, loving and respectful solutions to the issues that parents may face during the toddler stage.

This book covers subjects from biting and sharing, to tantrums and separation anxiety. It will help parents to move away from conventional parenting techniques which damage the parent child relationship, instead focusing on alternative ideas and tools that strengthen your bond with your child.

Often parents find that after the simplicity of attachment and continuum parenting in the first year, the issues that come up in the toddler stage can cause complications and uncertainty within their parenting.

Parents tend to take a number of different paths at this time, and this guide is intended to help you stay on track and continue to parent gently, respect your child’s needs, and help to make the journey through toddlerhood smooth and enjoyable rather than something to endure.

I firmly believe that our children are worthy of our trust and our respect, and that in giving this to our children unconditionally, they will prove us right. Evolution has not designed us as a species to be constantly in conflict with our children. The conventional rules of parenting have led us down the wrong path.

It’s time we got back to the simple and harmonious parenting nature intended.

Enter here to be in with a chance of winning one of two copies of Trust Me, I’m A Toddler – http://rafl.es/10DvvT1

If you want the book right now you can purchase your own copy via amazon.co.uk or amazon.com!

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If you know someone who would love a copy of this book, why not forward them a link to this post so they can have a chance of winning their own copy too!

I work part-time as a childminder so every week children come to the house and play with “his” things. The evening before a little boy, (who I will call Josh for the purpose of this article) was due to come, my little boy held on tight to his tractor, quietly saying “Josh isn’t going to play with my tractor.”

“No,” I reassured him, “not if you don’t want him to.”

The next morning when my son woke he was immediately focused on his tractor. He held it tight and was clearly worried. “Josh is not going to play with my tractor?” he asked sadly.

So I made a suggestion.

“How about we put the tractor away for today, then you don’t have to worry about it and you know it’s safe?”

He immediately smiled and agreed, already rushing off to put it somewhere safe.

About five minutes before Josh was due to arrive, he went and got it back again. I asked if he was sure he didn’t want to put it away, and reminded him that Josh would be here any minute.

He decided to keep hold of it anyway.

Josh arrived and rushed in to say hello, and my son smiled up at him and immediately said,

“Do you want to play with my tractor Josh,” holding it up to him and watching happily as Josh took it to play.

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Forcing a child to share only makes them feel powerless and less happy to do it of their own will. Conversely, as you can see from this example, taking the pressure off and putting the decision in the child’s hands can produce some surprising results. I’m not saying it always pans out this way, but in showing respect for my child’s wishes, he in turn is learning to respect others.

For more information and ideas on toddler sharing, see my book, Trust Me, I’m A Toddler!

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“I do it ME self!”
“I wanted to do it!”
“Me. Me. Go Way. ME DO IT!”
“I starting again, to do it MY way mama.”

There is a phase in the toddler years where children are intensely interested in doing things for themselves, in a specific way and on
their own time table, it’s an incredibly wonderful time for children,
sometimes frustrating, but full of learning. Often this phase can be
incredibly frustrating for parents and caregivers as well. The desire to jump in and show the “right way” or to just “get things done” and move along can inadvertently create a whole lot of disconnect and power struggles between parents and children.

So how do we find a balance between welcoming independence, encouraging the curious and determined toddler and meeting the needs of the whole family?

Having three children and schedules to keep for instance in my family, has led me to be very aware of how much balance it takes to both meet the need for independence in my youngest daughter and meet the needs of the rest of the family – my own needs included. Through trial and error I have found the following things help reduce frustration during that time of budding independence and the years beyond:

Foster cooperation: The more I welcome my daughter to work along side
me, the more she is willing to accept a helping hand if we are in a
hurry or if it’s not safe for her do to something on her own. I find the
same is true for my older children too!

Make time for play: Children can practice so many skills as they play. I
try to offer time for my daughter to play independently every day, this
way she can work on whatever skills she feels like mastering, sorting,
stacking, arranging, pretend play…whatever her heart desires as long as
she is safe. I also try to make plenty of time for playing together so
we can practice taking turns, waiting for each other, working as a team
and so on. All that is practice not just for her, but for flexing my own
patience skills as well. I confess it’s not always easy to wait a whole
minute for her to finish shaking and finally rolling the dice, but I
know that time is important for her.

Facilitate Independence: I’ve made a few changes around the house that
make it more possible for my children to do things on their own with
little frustration and no help, for example placing hooks on the wall
for their coats they can reach alone, placing a stool on the first floor
they can move around from room to room when needed. These small changes means they can work on their own, mostly at their own speed too and I don’t have to worry about being called for help just to be told two
seconds later to “go away – I do myself!”

Plan ahead: Knowing which parts of the daily routine are things my
daughter really would like to do alone and how much time she truly needs
to get it done makes a big difference in keeping frustration at bay. It
is on the days I don’t plan well, and have to rush that we both end up
frustrated or I realize that I am overwhelmed with the clock ticking
away and not respecting my children’s needs to work at their own pace.
Planning keeps me focused and gives us all a sense of harmony, oh and
it’s safe to say that whatever time I thought was needed initially I now
know that it’s best to double that and just feel grateful when we have
time left over.

Self-care: Frustration in all things parenting often comes down to not
taking enough time to meet our own needs. When I consciously make the
time to take care of my own needs like enjoying a chocolate treat,
reading a book, doing some yoga or meditation and re-center I am much
more relaxed and able to handle the “ME-Myself” and other challenging
moments as they come along.

Toddlers love to do things for themselves, it gives them a tremendous
sense of belonging, significance and capability. On the other hand, when
we feel rushed and out of synch it can be easy to forget that toddlers
are still learning, need time to try and make mistakes in order to learn
and that they need some safe spaces to explore their skills. Naturally
there will be instances when clear boundaries or limitations will be
needed to keep everyone safe, but as your toddler becomes more and more independent try to focus on the amazing discoveries that are taking
place – it’s worth it!

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Do you have a child that is exploring her independence? How is it
working out for you both?

Peace & Be Well,

Ariadne

Ariadne is a happy and busy mama to three children. She practices
peaceful, playful, responsive parenting and is passionate about all
things parenting and chocolate. Ariadne has a B.S. in Communication, is
a certified Positive Discipline Parenting Educator, and has completed
several graduate courses in Psychology and Family Counseling. To avoid
doing laundry Ariadne created the Positive Parenting Connection, a website dedicated to collecting and sharing resources, ideas, tips and helpful information with other parents that are striving to have connected, peaceful relationships with their children. Ariadne and her family currently live in Switzerland on top of a beautiful mountain with their loyal dog Murph and one blue fish.

What can I help you with?

• New parent worries

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• Starting elimination communication and problem solving any issues that come up

• Breastfeeding confidence, questions and support

• Gentle discipline and behavioural issues

• Setting boundaries without relying on punishments or rewards

• Building connection

• Safe co-sleeping/bedsharing

• Facing judgement from others

• Moving into the toddler stage

• Exploring your passions and finding balance

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