Coming Full Circle

Well my friends, it’s been a rollercoaster of epic proportions for our family this year. After my daughter was rushed into hospital at just two days old, life as we knew it was turned upside down, utterly transformed from the peaceful and happy reality we had been living up until then. I can’t pretend to have sailed through this experience with grace and patience. There have been some big challenges and I have faltered and failed time and time again.

As a parent, I have been pushed to my limits, and gone far beyond them more times than I would like to admit. I have reacted to my four year old and his behaviour with anger and frustration. I have shouted. I have been ashamed of myself and wondered many times why I couldn’t figure out how to handle a particular situation.

I have considered giving up Love Parenting, the very idea of offering advise to other parents being utterly laughable to me. I have felt lost and desperate and so very scared.

But then, I reached a point in this journey when I realised I was at a crossroads and it was time to choose between two very different paths.

I could give up. I could let myself be pulled down with the stress and the sleep deprivation, giving up on my parenting ideals and falling into a disconected trap of shouting and punishing all the while losing the bond I had with my son.

Or I could face the storm head on, forgive myself for getting it wrong, grieve for what was supposed to be and move onwards and upwards.

Though I must admit the first option was tempting at times and seemed like the easiest route when I was frazzled and desperate, deep down, I knew I wanted more for my family. I wanted to smile and laugh with my son again. I wanted to get through a day without one or all of us falling to pieces. I wanted to give him back the mother he knew and loved, to show my daughter how good life can be. Though it was definitly the harder of the two options, it was also the most rewarding.

I made the choice to be a better parent and choose happiness.

Although from the outside people may feel sad or sorry for our daughter, and I too have cried oceans of salty tears for all of us, I no longer feel so overwhelmed by sadness. I feel blessed to know her and have her in my life. Who knows what the future holds for any of us, who knows what challenges may come our way or yours? What this experience has taught me is that life is just too precious and too short to waste time worrying about the what ifs.

Any one of us could meet our end tomorrow. That is not something we can control. But what we can do is make sure that the days we do have are filled with love and happiness, that we dont waste time with things we dont care about, that we surround ourselves with those who matter most to us, and that we make the very most of the life we have, no matter how long we have it for.

We will be going home in one month and we can’t wait to be together, sleeping under the same roof again. Over this past four months I have reached rock bottom and had to choose between being destroyed or allowing the experience to make me stronger. I have realised that when it comes to parenting, there is not always one right answer. I have found that my children are stronger than I ever knew possible. I have learned that when things seem impossible and it feels like you’ll never get back the bond you had, a few days of rebuilding that connection can transform a relationship. I have discovered that children have the capacity for vast amounts of forgiveness and are just waiting for you to make that change.

And I have realised that I am not yet ready to stop sharing this passion for parenting with the world. After a lot of thought, I have decided to continue with Love Parenting.

“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.” Vivian Greene

 

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15 thoughts on “Coming Full Circle”

  1. I’ve been a reader and follower of yours for a long time and I wanted to give my support for you. They say parenting is a process and just because we falter doesn’t mean we’ve failed. I understand why you felt the way you did. Hopefully, you took a page from your son’s book and forgave yourself. Sending love and peace.

  2. You have touched my heart today. I am so sorry for your struggles with your daughter. You have taken the path of a spiritual warrior and there is no one more qualified to write this blog than you. I work with people on dealing with uncertainty and I fall off the horse all the time. I sometimes wonder how can I teach people when i struggle myself. Then one day I realized that this is my path. If I didn’t struggle with uncertainty and understand it, I would not be able to help people heal. You are having one of the most difficult experiences a parent can have. You hit rock bottom and now have chosen a new perspective
    with strength, resilience and grace. A lesson every parent needs whether their child is sick or just struggling with friends. I honor your path and I thank you for being my teacher today. I will honor this day with each precious moment and dedicate all my actions of grace and kindness to your daughter. May you all be blessed on this journey. Best Allison Carmen.

  3. My heart goes out to you along with wishes for support to you & your family. I love your blog and find your openness tremendously inspiring. Thank you for sharing your struggles, and for choosing to continue on this path. You are doing wonderful things.

  4. You have always been an inspiration and your blogs have given me hope and kept me sane and on the parenting path I try hard to keep to, but sometimes fail. So, don’t worry, it’s good to know you are normal like the rest of us 🙂 and life is life and after the mountains that I have conquered so far on my own parenting journey I am a firm believer in fate and that however unfair these things appear to be at the time they are there for a reason.

    Keep going, I’m sure you have a great family and friends to support you but your readers are there too and are wishing you all the best for a speedy return home to start a new chapter.

    Holly x

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

    1. Thank you Holly, yes I hope this shows that I am far from perfect. We all have ups and downs and none of us can get it right all the time. And yes, the support from my readers has been incredible, I am so lucky to have such a great community to share this experience with.

  5. One wise woman once told me- when we fullfil our child’s “bowl of love” and its limits are reached for the most of the time, they are so willing and capable to forgive us our “not best parenting performance”. So if their bowl of love was full for most of the time our ” bad reaction” doesnt make them feel unloved just because we had a bad day, week or month. Our love helped them grow theirs in their hearts and made them be more understanding and not question our love, because they grow with it for most of the time of their life. So it’s not that hard for them when we are not able temporarly fullfil the whole bowl. Lots of love! You are an amazing mother and your son knows and feels that. All the best.

  6. I started following your post about 2 years ago and Reading your posts reafirmed each time that I am not alone. It made me strong when people judged and comforted me when i doubted myself. I share the same ideal and believe from the ground of my heart that everything our children do comes from a kind place,that they are born perfect the way they are and that they will find their way. I wondered what happened to your posts en when your first message came trough my heart dropped and I couldnt believe how much it affected me too. I live in New Zealand
    and your story touched me on a level I have never experienced before. At the time I was expecting my little boy about 6 weeks later. I’m very grateful to read that you are going to continue. We all face our own challenges in different ways and at our own time, it makes us question who we are and more importantly, It makes us grow into hopefully a stronger and wiser person. Your story also shows your son that you too have a side that can be hurt and angry and yes, that is ok too. It also shows them that it is part of being human. I’ve recently had to reflect about my own behaviour as well and just like you made the choice to remind myself who I want to be and found a way to get back on track. Bottom line is, your story is being felt by parents accross the world and I personally truly love the way you talk about your family. You are truthful, kindhearted and a passionate mum and I feel really blessed to have come accross your blog. Thank you, I wish you and your family all the best. Sandra

    1. Wow, what an amazing thing to hear Sandra. It makes a huge difference to me to know that people are getting something out of my writing. Thank you so much for commenting and I hope you are enjoying those precious early days with your new baby.

  7. Thanks for all the wonderful and deep things you share in the blog !!!
    I know you and your family will find the way to keep fighting and still enjoying the good and the bad days of the road.
    I send you a big hug full of peace and good thoughts!!!

  8. Don’t give up, I recently started following you after I found you on YouTube. I hope you’re feeling better now 🙂

    Mexican in China

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