I have been lost for a long time now. Last year was a blur of pendulum emotions, fear, joy, anger, love, guilt and determination. I spent a long time re evaluating everything I thought I knew. I was broken and rebuilt more times than I can count and I can quite honestly say that I have emerged a different person.
There are depths to my emotions I didn’t know I could reach, and I have learned that when it comes down to the crunch, my children can truly rely on me to fight their corner. I will go without food, without sleep, without seeing the outside world for days at a time to stand guard and protect my children from harm. I will make you dislike me, I will make you hate me, I will speak the truth and stand up for what I know in my heart is right for them and I won’t care.
I will make a scene.
I will tell you no.
I will fight.
But I have also learned that what I once thought was the ultimate truth, was wrong. I still have ideals and beliefs about how I want to raise my children, but it has taken a big dose of reality for me to see that my way is not always the right way. I don’t want to tell you how to raise your children any more. I don’t know you, I have no idea what you’ve been through and I have no right to tell you you’re wrong. I can only share our story and hope you take what inspires you and leave the rest. And maybe you’ll teach me something valuable along the way too.
I no longer believe in Karma. I don’t believe that what you put out in positive energy comes back to you. This sucked for a long time. My belief system crumpled and I was left wondering, “What’s the point in being kind and going out of my way for someone I don’t even know?” It took some serious soul searching for me to realise the point is not what you get back, the point is kindness itself.
It feels good to live life with love and empathy for others. It feels good to put a smile on someone’s face. And I am a good person. I don’t need to get something back. Life is a game of luck, but why not be kind? It’s not in my nature to leave someone struggling when I know I can help. So I am kind. Not because of what I will get, but because I want to be.
I have been building this blog for four years and I really value the journey it has taken me on. For a long while I thought seriously about closing it down, walking away from it all. I am very much buried in writing a novel and I have no plans to write any further parenting books at this point in time. Fiction is where my heart lies right now, though as it happens my story is about what it takes to be a mother.
I didn’t know what I would write about here if I wasn’t talking about the ideals of Natural Continuum Parenting. I still don’t if I’m honest. I didn’t know if you would want to see the other sides of my personality, if you would want to get to know the real me, not just the mother, but the woman, the traveller, the writer, the wife. But I trust that those of you who want to will stick around for whatever comes in this new chapter. I have no doubt I will still write about my parenting journey, but there may be other things too. My goal is to keep it authentic and honest and step away from telling you to do it my way.
I feel like I am giving myself permission to be free. To write what I love, to be myself, to let go of preconceived notions and to be happy again. My daughter is now nine months old and her beautiful personality is emerging with gusto. She makes me laugh every day. My wise little boy is learning and growing and loving and playing all the while keeping us focused on what really matters.
And I no longer feel lost.